A King's Love

He Gave His life for me, the King of the Heavens where one day I'll bow

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Location: Alaska, United States

I've been in Alaska what seems like all my life. Have sorrows and heart breaks like everyone else, but have learned ever so well that God never lets us go through something that He won't use in the future. I'm a crazy, loud and blunt Child of God, and desire more than anything to know that every day, I wake up and bring a smile to my Master's face. there's really, not much more about me than that (that matters, that is)

Friday, November 10, 2006

Unknown Sovereignty of God

Hey There

So, life's been crazy, but I think I've said that every time I've gotten on here for the past 3 months. God's been good, I've definitely had to give up a couple things to feel like I can breathe... Arent you proud of me! And isnt it pathetic that a 17 year old has to do that! But it's been neat to see God working in all aspects of the game. Not like that has to be a surprise. Watching Him work has been a miracle, but if you get me started on that this will be a BIT to long. For those of you that have asked, the young boy that had the brain surgery is now, well, all boy just as always. I talked to his sister and she said that except for the fact that he has now hair (I've been there!) He's been doin' great.

Okay... so this Post, I feel a little weird about. Not like I've never felt like that before. But because I just don't understand much of it. Sovereignty of God is a crazy subject, and when it's being presented to you by a teenager, well, you're in for a roller coaster ride let me tell you! I started writing this an hour after one of my seizures, just because I didn't understand how I could stand up and say "Yeah Lord, you Rock!" This has all been put through experiences and what I know of God. Take from it what God wants you to take.

The first thing I remember after every seizure? Are you crazy? If we’re talking medically, I have no answer for you. I just remember not knowing who I am, or where I live, but that comes back soon after.
But the first thing that goes through my head is “God what are you doing this time?!” I’m terrified with every seizure that happens. Even though I can tell people that it’s a normal thing and I know what’s going on; when my heart still skips a beat every time the aura begins.

What is God doing when, after 3 surgeries, I’m still going through the valleys and I can’t see the sun?
I sat and wondered that the other day, and tried coming up with an answer. There was none. Psalm 23: "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…." I really felt that way. I felt that I had given up half my brain for nothing, just to go back to suffering again. I felt like I was being put through hell. Seeing the sun? You've got to be kidding me. I had some pretty fantastic times, but when I had to be thrown back to reality, reminded that the fight wasn’t over, what was I going to say? God is sovereign? God is good? God reigns? What does that all mean anyway?!

How can a sovereign God really do this? Then we just smile and say "it's alright I know my God's sovereign." That last seizure was the breaking point. I wanted to know what Sovereignty really meant, and I wanted to know if it was enough for me. I didn't care if that wasn't an "okay question" to ask, I was asking it. How could a 17 year old go through so much, and come out with this? It was a blessing, I'm alive, my personality's back, I know how to count my blessings. But why am I still being administered as an epileptic when I know that doesn't have to be the answer.
The dictionary says that Sovereignty means having "power and authority over something" i.e. over me. He can reign over me; he can do whatever he wants over me? Am I willing, at 17, to say that? If you grow up in church you hear that word so often, sovereignty, but it's so hard to truly grasp the meaning. Can he reign over me? Can he rule my heart? Can he rule my life? Can he rule my everything? Unless I could answer those words with a resounding "uhhh-yeah!" than life as a follower of Christ is really going to be confusing. I can't rule my own life I make too many mistakes.
When I'm saying, "My Father God is sovereign," I'm putting complete trust in him as any one would a ruler or a king. This one just has a lot higher stakes. What can I say to the God of the universe when all I've ever seen is pain? Talking to loved ones; I see they have the same attitude. It's hard to submit to sovereignty when they don't understand it. Or when they don't have the same right as He.
So back up a minute. I can't see the sunlight because I'm walking through the valley at the moment right? The only thing I understand is seizures, and saying that this is a "good idea" makes no sense at all. Until I take my eyes off of the one word I've been saying over and over again. "I." It makes sense when God puts the whole picture together and I'm only a small part, not the whole thing. It makes sense when "I" isn’t everything. It makes sense! Sovereignty never makes sense until you take your eyes off yourself for a minute and realize that it's not about yourself.
When I had that seizure I wasn't able to understand much of anything, but I was able to talk to someone afterwards that was going through much of the same battle. Wondering how God could do anything like this. It was so awesome to be able to tell her that even though I didn't have the complete answers to those questions, I could at least relate to her and point her to a God that could do more than that. The unknown sovereignty of God is a beautiful thing; it makes us take our eyes off ourselves. It's amazing to be able to ask those questions, to get those answers, and then to see the face of a loving God. Master, Savior, Jesus. A Sovereign God I will serve.

For whatever reason I put this on here, I hope you understood that God sees who you are and doesnt ignore the pain. Talk atcha later


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