Testimony

Hey Guys,

So, I went by a friend of mine's site, and He had drafted his testimony. What a great idea. Wish I had thought of that sooner! I've actually written it on my other site before... so this one's just a little late in coming. Yeah, great excuse.

I was 3 when I said "the prayer" with my mom in the car. Nothing spectacular. Nothing crazy. I just knew that the faith of the family was supposed to be mine. So I prayed. I was the most zealous little 3 year old you ever did see though. It truly was my faith. I truly did want to see this faith become mine. There was just one problem. And that one problem... even at three years old was starting to brew by the age of 7, I had one eye on Satan and one hand on God's shoulder. I was disabled.

An elderly woman, from the age I was 3, told my parents that she could heal me. I have Cerebral Palsy. Its a motor skills disability, for me, its nothing more than my right side is extremely weak and I'm a little slower in math. But when I was 7 I was wearing braces etc. This woman came up to me one Sunday, dear lady, and said she wanted to pray over me. Sure. Why not. She prayed and nothing happened. Okay, so maybe it was a delayed healing. 2 days maybe? 3? 4? Nothing happened. At the age of 7 because a woman took God's work in her own hands, bitterness and anger welled to quite the height. I said I loved God, but I said it to impress the people around me. Really, God was nothing more than a name. If He couldnt heal a little 7 year old... why should he be loved?

I spend 5 YEARS doing everything that teenagers do to say that I was a rebel. And to try and get God's attention. Ttrying to prove that I didn't have to live with God. And I didnt. But the thing was, I was miserable. I memorized 4 books of the Bible to try and "disprove" God. Didnt work. Everything that I fought with the Pastors with came out that they just stopped fighting with me because I was fighting to long, but they were right. Christmas Eve, when I was 12, I looked at my Bible, and I had a plastic bag to suffocate myself and I thought, there's so much truth there, "God if you want to give me another chance keep me alive." I was asleep before the bag was completely over my head.

That summer my Epilepsy hit a major high. Up to this point I would have 2 seizures a year max. Now I was having more. We werent sure what was going on, but by the time I was 15, I was up to 25 a day. Meds didn't work, and we were pretty frustrated with everything that COULD work. God was still there, and I had learned to trust him again, with all my heart... But living as an epileptic was looking slim. I didn't get this at all. I had a brain surgery and the seizures went away!.... for 4 months. And came back full force. We were totally distraught.

The doctors once joked that I was the one 16 year old that had a chart the size of TX. I was starting to believe they were right. We looked at our options and realized that there was one more thing we could try. Another(!!) brain surgery, one that disconnected my entire left hemisphere. The doctors told me that the only way it worked for me to do this surgery without any risks was because I had cerebral palsy. And to think that I thought it was a curse before. I went through the surgery, and it worked, the seizures have reduced to almost nill, which is what we expected.

But what does that have ANYTHING to do with God? It has everything to do with God, He has kept me alive, He's shown me through the fires. And he's given me a second, and a third chance at life. What a powerful thing to look back and say "man! And to think this is something I thought God couldnt use!" He truly is an awesome God.

my Song through this is HE KNOWS MY NAME
I have a Maker He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
Chorus
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go Chorus

See ya around~Cass

The Invisible Joy

Hey There-

Hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving. I know my Family and I did. 'Course who has a problem with getting together with family and being thankful for what they have... and eating? Yeah, thats what I thought. We've always gotten together with friends since we've moved up to Alaska on our own in '98 and its been really interesting getting used to not having "real" family around. But after awhile, the friends you join together with become family. What a blessing when that happens.

James 1:2-5 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

I think this is a passage of scripture that has people destraught and angry, and if not that, atleast confused at our great God. I have one friend that took 2 years in a Bible school that told me he just didn't like James -and stayed away from it- because it didn't make any sense. How... How can you say "thanks a ton" when your heart is screaming that its not fair? I for one spent many years screaming the "its not fair" part of life... and making sure that God knew why I didn't think it wasn't fair. Like He needed the tip.

This is one of those things that no one can give you a "step one, two, three" ordeal on how to find joy when your faith is tested. Because each life is different, and each faith journey is a little wackier. (Yup! I said wackier.... if you've been a Christian for very long, you know what I mean.) But when God ALLOWS something that is so stupid and crazy that you just have no idea where there could be hope in this... God gets pushed into the situation. Because who do you turn to? God. How crazy that this could be hope. But it is.

Endurance is a hard thing to "grow." Yet God asks us to turn to him and watch our faith grow while the endurance grows at the same time. As we look at it it looks like Hell on earth, or something close to it. But the thing is, we were put on this earth to glorify God, and we can not glorify God while we are imperfect. The trials and tribulations make it so that our endurance and faith become stronger and make us look to him. What a rollarcoaster, but this my friend, is what you signed up for, when you became a Christian. It's totally worth it.

The last verse, I had to tack on just because it shows you that God is never leaving us in the dust to do this on our own. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. What an awesome promise, and God also talks about letting the little Children come to him. No matter how old you are, thats still you. This is a hard race, your endurance, your faith is a frustrating thing to come out with at times. But the thing is, God's grace is sufficient. The joy you have is what He has given you, and amazingly, what you go through, when you keep your eyes on Christ, even in the hard times you will have more joy.

Talk atcha later~Cass

Cornerstone of Sovereignty

Hey Guys,

Had a major scare this week, my seizures past just the "shrug it off no big deal" stage. I was transported to the ER with a 12 minute seizure that had proceeded an 8 minute seizure. Now I'm just waiting on Doc's call and all is well. Oh man! I love waiting don't you? It's a lot easier when you know the outcome, but still, it pulls at ya!

Isaiah 28:16-17 So this is what the Sovereign LORD says: "See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed. 17 I will make justice the measuring line and righteousness the plumb line; hail will sweep away your refuge, the lie, and water will overflow your hiding place.

Last week you guys were overly gracious in reading my frustrations about not understanding sovereignty. The thing is, I understood it perfectly, I was just tired of fighting for the night so I made you guys read what I had written! So! Today, we're going to read what the Bible says, where I should've taken you in the first place. Isaiah Says it best.

Sovereignty can make the greatest scholar scratch his head when he sees it played out. But we see it all the time really. We see it in the hearts of committed Christians that know who they are living for and what finish line they are going to Cross. Sovereignty means supreme control over__________. That could be a person that could be a church, that could be a school. But when that Sovereignty is something we submit ourselves to, its something we tend to start loving more than hating the fact that we're not making the rules anymore.

These verses aren't exactly the "warm and fuzzy" ones that you were looking for. I mean, here God is telling you that he's wiping out your hiding place. And of All things JUSTICE will be what it was meant to be. Sovereignty and Justice reign hand in hand just as much as the mercy and justice of God are the same. What are you looking at when He says he's going to wipe out your refuge? Here's what it means my friend. It's for those of you that don't make your Refuge in Jesus Christ. I cant and wont list the rest of the refuges that we chose. Why? Because I know there are too many ouyt there. But once you takeyour stand on the one Refuge of Jesus Christ your Safe.

Annnnd, I did things backwards tonight, I left the first verse for last. The Lord Says He lays a Precious and tested stone in Zion. But he doesnt just call it a stone he calls it something else. He calls it the Cornerstone. Everything gets built on the Cornerstone. Everything. Your Refuge. Your Family. Your Career. Your life. That Corner Stone won't and can't get knocked down, so don't count on it. Jesus Christ is that Cornerstone. Realize just how powerful He is. And realize how much youre putting your life on the line if you dont want to look him in the eye.

Sovereignty, Cornerstone. What does any of this have to do in common? With the fact that the sovereignty of God knew that we couldn't control our own lives for a day without crackin'... so He gave us the Cornerstone of Life. Some would call him a Crutch, but how can you call him a crutch when there's no way you can leave him?

Talk to you later
Cass

Unknown Sovereignty of God

Hey There

So, life's been crazy, but I think I've said that every time I've gotten on here for the past 3 months. God's been good, I've definitely had to give up a couple things to feel like I can breathe... Arent you proud of me! And isnt it pathetic that a 17 year old has to do that! But it's been neat to see God working in all aspects of the game. Not like that has to be a surprise. Watching Him work has been a miracle, but if you get me started on that this will be a BIT to long. For those of you that have asked, the young boy that had the brain surgery is now, well, all boy just as always. I talked to his sister and she said that except for the fact that he has now hair (I've been there!) He's been doin' great.

Okay... so this Post, I feel a little weird about. Not like I've never felt like that before. But because I just don't understand much of it. Sovereignty of God is a crazy subject, and when it's being presented to you by a teenager, well, you're in for a roller coaster ride let me tell you! I started writing this an hour after one of my seizures, just because I didn't understand how I could stand up and say "Yeah Lord, you Rock!" This has all been put through experiences and what I know of God. Take from it what God wants you to take.

The first thing I remember after every seizure? Are you crazy? If we’re talking medically, I have no answer for you. I just remember not knowing who I am, or where I live, but that comes back soon after.
But the first thing that goes through my head is “God what are you doing this time?!” I’m terrified with every seizure that happens. Even though I can tell people that it’s a normal thing and I know what’s going on; when my heart still skips a beat every time the aura begins.
What is God doing when, after 3 surgeries, I’m still going through the valleys and I can’t see the sun?
I sat and wondered that the other day, and tried coming up with an answer. There was none. Psalm 23: "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…." I really felt that way. I felt that I had given up half my brain for nothing, just to go back to suffering again. I felt like I was being put through hell. Seeing the sun? You've got to be kidding me. I had some pretty fantastic times, but when I had to be thrown back to reality, reminded that the fight wasn’t over, what was I going to say? God is sovereign? God is good? God reigns? What does that all mean anyway?!
How can a sovereign God really do this? Then we just smile and say "it's alright I know my God's sovereign." That last seizure was the breaking point. I wanted to know what Sovereignty really meant, and I wanted to know if it was enough for me. I didn't care if that wasn't an "okay question" to ask, I was asking it. How could a 17 year old go through so much, and come out with this? It was a blessing, I'm alive, my personality's back, I know how to count my blessings. But why am I still being administered as an epileptic when I know that doesn't have to be the answer.
The dictionary says that Sovereignty means having "power and authority over something" i.e. over me. He can reign over me; he can do whatever he wants over me? Am I willing, at 17, to say that? If you grow up in church you hear that word so often, sovereignty, but it's so hard to truly grasp the meaning. Can he reign over me? Can he rule my heart? Can he rule my life? Can he rule my everything? Unless I could answer those words with a resounding "uhhh-yeah!" than life as a follower of Christ is really going to be confusing. I can't rule my own life I make too many mistakes.
When I'm saying, "My Father God is sovereign," I'm putting complete trust in him as any one would a ruler or a king. This one just has a lot higher stakes. What can I say to the God of the universe when all I've ever seen is pain? Talking to loved ones; I see they have the same attitude. It's hard to submit to sovereignty when they don't understand it. Or when they don't have the same right as He.
So back up a minute. I can't see the sunlight because I'm walking through the valley at the moment right? The only thing I understand is seizures, and saying that this is a "good idea" makes no sense at all. Until I take my eyes off of the one word I've been saying over and over again. "I." It makes sense when God puts the whole picture together and I'm only a small part, not the whole thing. It makes sense when "I" isn’t everything. It makes sense! Sovereignty never makes sense until you take your eyes off yourself for a minute and realize that it's not about yourself.
When I had that seizure I wasn't able to understand much of anything, but I was able to talk to someone afterwards that was going through much of the same battle. Wondering how God could do anything like this. It was so awesome to be able to tell her that even though I didn't have the complete answers to those questions, I could at least relate to her and point her to a God that could do more than that. The unknown sovereignty of God is a beautiful thing; it makes us take our eyes off ourselves. It's amazing to be able to ask those questions, to get those answers, and then to see the face of a loving God. Master, Savior, Jesus. A Sovereign God I will serve.


For whatever reason I put this on here, I hope you understood that God sees who you are and doesnt ignore the pain. Talk atcha later
Cass